Some Indian Weddings aren't Fun.

Some Indian Weddings aren't Fun.

One dreams of a dream wedding in which everything will be the way one wants, and one would be marrying a prince or princess charming. Wedding is a fun experience for most in the West and a developed nation. Often a foreigner has similar notions about Indian weddings, and even an exotic one with lots of people, zillions of spicy and sweet dishes, long lasting rituals, and vibrant lights and colors. The visitor may even be lucky to attend one such Indian wedding; there are many wonderful Indian weddings. However, some weddings in India, or majority of them, aren't fun at all, especially for girls. They are a day which they have waited to come one day and to let it pass. No girl ever says this, though.

I planned to attend an Indian wedding of two girls, one 22 years old and the other 19, on my this visit. The parents found the boys after much search and fixed an earliest available wedding date. Girls and boys did not know each other at all. It was an arranged marriage. Most rural weddings are like this, which begin way before the wedding date.

The Birth of the Girls: After the parents got married, they started trying to bear a male heir. Nature intervened, and a girl was born. They tried again, and another girl was born. They tried harder and even possibly consulted a village physician, and third girl was born. They did not give up, and their efforts brought them an heir finally. They probably loved girls to their greatest capacity but continued trying because of the social pressure: jealous people mocked their abilities, specifically the mother’s ability to bear a male heir, at their backs and in social gatherings. Girls’ grandmother was one of the mockers. The grandmother had gone through similar pains once, could not change anything and probably took pleasure in the revenge this way. (Unlike this case, some parents willingly try to borne a girl, a goddess symbol, after they have had one or two boys. However, their efforts are not that sincere.)

Growing up of the Girls: Girls were brought up in some care and some neglect in a joint family. They played in dust and at home with other girls and learned that they were girls and were expected to behave in certain ways. They also learned to cry. Once they were four or five, the parents sent them to village school, thanks to the every child to school initiative and family pride in girl education. Parents also understood the value of education. Another thing which happened in this period was the concern of the parents about the girls growing older and hence their efforts to save money for dowry and expenses for their wedding. They financially helped other relatives in their daughters’ weddings under an unspoken and unwritten contract that the help will be paid off when the time comes. They also saved some money in bank and invested some more in buying domestic items for the future weddings. Even though there were familial issues, they stayed in the decently big joint family hoping the family would share the wedding expenses one day.  Finally, they kept their eyes open for the possible boys. During this period, the older girl excelled in school and passed her twelfth with excellent grades and the younger one nearly excelled in her 10th grade.

Wedding of the Girls:  Once the older girl passed 12^th grade, her education was over due to two reasons: there was no college close to the village, and finding a more educated boy than she was without a handsome dowry would have been a herculean task. The parents might not have felt safe sending her to school either; they might have feared about an affair, elopement (as in Pride and Prejudice) or rape in worst cases. The end of education worried the father about the wedding: the mission of finding a possible match began. Relatives, friends and acquaintances suggested boys, and he went to verify details about their careers, properties and characters. Some were good but asked for as much dowry as he could not afford. Others expected almost no dowry but did not match his standards. After almost  two years of search, he probably reached to a point of desperation. Finally, he settled on a kid who worked on his grocery shop as he waited for a job after finishing an engineering diploma. The boy also had some land in his hereditary share which implied that he would be able to earn bread if things got worse. The total cost of this wedding was about 300,000 rupees. As the father broke the good news in the house, the joint family broke apart. Two younger brothers denied sharing the wedding expense, and grandfather, fearing repercussion from his other children, promised to help his son after the wedding if somehow he could procure a loan now. Only the youngest brother stood for some help. Thus began the parents’ nightmare: How would they arrange for extra money? The changed situation and worry about another dowry also forced the parents to consider the wedding of the three girls altogether, the youngest being 14 years old, to the three prince brothers. As Good-hearted people loaned money, and stress decreased, it was settled that only two girls would get married at the same day. The third girl was saved.

A Scene from Hindu Wedding in India

Almost two weeks before the wedding, the grandmother passed away. No wedding could happen without performing the death rituals, which are traditionally performed thirteen days after the death. However, following exceptional provisions, these rituals were done before thirteen days timeline. Things were back on track.

But the wedding got canceled five days before the date. It so happened this way: Someone who came to the death ritual told the father that the grooms' older brother had married a woman of lower caste in a court; the girls' father knew of the marriage but was under the impression that the woman belonged to the same caste. The brides' father asked the grooms' father to disinherit the older brother which was not accepted.  Result was no wedding.

The search for a suitable boy began again.

I did not ask the girls whether the wedding, whenever that happens, would be fun for them. Though they were asked whether they liked the boys, they made almost no decision about their wedding cancellation. It was just another decision, which the family had made for them. Such is the power of patriarchal ideology that the girls would find happiness and peace in another match. Capacity of Indian girls to bear pain, find happiness in worst situations and carry patience is immense. They do truly smile! Would they know about any other way?

Parents and close family would cry at the separation from the girls when they get married. Parents and close family would also be happy at the happy ending. Thus, another cycle would begin unless some educated soul would break it.