Some Indian Weddings aren't Fun.

Some Indian Weddings aren't Fun.

One dreams of a dream wedding in which everything will be the way one wants, and one would be marrying a prince or princess charming. Wedding is a fun experience for most in the West and a developed nation. Often a foreigner has similar notions about Indian weddings, and even an exotic one with lots of people, zillions of spicy and sweet dishes, long lasting rituals, and vibrant lights and colors. The visitor may even be lucky to attend one such Indian wedding; there are many wonderful Indian weddings. However, some weddings in India, or majority of them, aren't fun at all, especially for girls. They are a day which they have waited to come one day and to let it pass. No girl ever says this, though.

I planned to attend an Indian wedding of two girls, one 22 years old and the other 19, on my this visit. The parents found the boys after much search and fixed an earliest available wedding date. Girls and boys did not know each other at all. It was an arranged marriage. Most rural weddings are like this, which begin way before the wedding date.

The Birth of the Girls: After the parents got married, they started trying to bear a male heir. Nature intervened, and a girl was born. They tried again, and another girl was born. They tried harder and even possibly consulted a village physician, and third girl was born. They did not give up, and their efforts brought them an heir finally. They probably loved girls to their greatest capacity but continued trying because of the social pressure: jealous people mocked their abilities, specifically the mother’s ability to bear a male heir, at their backs and in social gatherings. Girls’ grandmother was one of the mockers. The grandmother had gone through similar pains once, could not change anything and probably took pleasure in the revenge this way. (Unlike this case, some parents willingly try to borne a girl, a goddess symbol, after they have had one or two boys. However, their efforts are not that sincere.)

Growing up of the Girls: Girls were brought up in some care and some neglect in a joint family. They played in dust and at home with other girls and learned that they were girls and were expected to behave in certain ways. They also learned to cry. Once they were four or five, the parents sent them to village school, thanks to the every child to school initiative and family pride in girl education. Parents also understood the value of education. Another thing which happened in this period was the concern of the parents about the girls growing older and hence their efforts to save money for dowry and expenses for their wedding. They financially helped other relatives in their daughters’ weddings under an unspoken and unwritten contract that the help will be paid off when the time comes. They also saved some money in bank and invested some more in buying domestic items for the future weddings. Even though there were familial issues, they stayed in the decently big joint family hoping the family would share the wedding expenses one day.  Finally, they kept their eyes open for the possible boys. During this period, the older girl excelled in school and passed her twelfth with excellent grades and the younger one nearly excelled in her 10th grade.

Wedding of the Girls:  Once the older girl passed 12^th grade, her education was over due to two reasons: there was no college close to the village, and finding a more educated boy than she was without a handsome dowry would have been a herculean task. The parents might not have felt safe sending her to school either; they might have feared about an affair, elopement (as in Pride and Prejudice) or rape in worst cases. The end of education worried the father about the wedding: the mission of finding a possible match began. Relatives, friends and acquaintances suggested boys, and he went to verify details about their careers, properties and characters. Some were good but asked for as much dowry as he could not afford. Others expected almost no dowry but did not match his standards. After almost  two years of search, he probably reached to a point of desperation. Finally, he settled on a kid who worked on his grocery shop as he waited for a job after finishing an engineering diploma. The boy also had some land in his hereditary share which implied that he would be able to earn bread if things got worse. The total cost of this wedding was about 300,000 rupees. As the father broke the good news in the house, the joint family broke apart. Two younger brothers denied sharing the wedding expense, and grandfather, fearing repercussion from his other children, promised to help his son after the wedding if somehow he could procure a loan now. Only the youngest brother stood for some help. Thus began the parents’ nightmare: How would they arrange for extra money? The changed situation and worry about another dowry also forced the parents to consider the wedding of the three girls altogether, the youngest being 14 years old, to the three prince brothers. As Good-hearted people loaned money, and stress decreased, it was settled that only two girls would get married at the same day. The third girl was saved.

A Scene from Hindu Wedding in India

Almost two weeks before the wedding, the grandmother passed away. No wedding could happen without performing the death rituals, which are traditionally performed thirteen days after the death. However, following exceptional provisions, these rituals were done before thirteen days timeline. Things were back on track.

But the wedding got canceled five days before the date. It so happened this way: Someone who came to the death ritual told the father that the grooms' older brother had married a woman of lower caste in a court; the girls' father knew of the marriage but was under the impression that the woman belonged to the same caste. The brides' father asked the grooms' father to disinherit the older brother which was not accepted.  Result was no wedding.

The search for a suitable boy began again.

I did not ask the girls whether the wedding, whenever that happens, would be fun for them. Though they were asked whether they liked the boys, they made almost no decision about their wedding cancellation. It was just another decision, which the family had made for them. Such is the power of patriarchal ideology that the girls would find happiness and peace in another match. Capacity of Indian girls to bear pain, find happiness in worst situations and carry patience is immense. They do truly smile! Would they know about any other way?

Parents and close family would cry at the separation from the girls when they get married. Parents and close family would also be happy at the happy ending. Thus, another cycle would begin unless some educated soul would break it.

Gender Inequality in Aligarh Muslim University

Gender Inequality in Aligarh Muslim University

A woman walked for ten hours in different parts of New York and was harassed 100 times (Watch). Such is the capacity of media and social media that another girl in India picked up the idea and walked in all areas, some densely populated, of Mumbai, but no one eve-teased on her (Watch). The girl wore a top and short skirt. Then came an election nomination issue from the Jammu and Kashmir Assembly election where Mohammad Yousuf Bhat declared his unemployed daughters as his “liability”-burden-in his nomination papers (Read). And, recently, Times Now hosted a debate (How long can we use 'culture' as a defense for sexism?) on gender inequality in Aligarh Muslim University, questioning an administrative decision banning undergraduate female students from the University's central library (Read in brief).  

Though most education in India is co-ed, there are schools and colleges which are girls-only. Traditionally, girls-only schools and colleges were, though never said explicitly, an effort to keep boys and girls separate from each other. Founders believed that girls and boys in schools and colleges were too young to have interactions with their opposite sex. Or, girls-only schools and colleges attracted parents to send their daughters to the institutions for above reasons. Women's College of Aligarh Muslim University is a girls-only college for undergraduate female students. However, this is not the only girls-only college in Aligarh; Tika Ram Kanya Mahavidyalaya is also a girls-only college in Aligarh, but this is not affiliated with Aligarh Muslim University.

Aligarh Muslim University has come a long way in terms of male and female student interactions: there was a time when women in graduate courses studied literally in purdah (a curtain divided male students from female ones), but such is not the case any more. I had a chance to know some wonderful Muslim women and even visit their homes. Maybe the library ban will also change with time.

But, the problem is not girls going to the library; the problem is the mindset of boys. There are different standards for boys and girls when they are in a romantic relationship, not only in Aligarh Muslim University but in most of India. While a romantic relationship is a symbol of masculine attractiveness and is often boasted by boys, it is often a blot for girls if not culminated into a marriage. Something related to this is also safety of girls, or (excuse me for bluntness) her rape, in most of India, after sunset: I never saw a girl at library or any other place after sunset while male students studied and talked and laughed at the canteen until midnight. A few times I also witnessed gossiping about a girl who dressed non-traditionally. 

A view of the front of Maulana Azad Library

I cannot imagine allowing girls in the library without restraining such male gaze and dealing with female sunset curfew. One of the ways may be to put women in power, in Aligarh Muslim University administration. Has any woman ever been president of the student union or vice-chancellor of Aligarh Muslim University? Women as vice-president/secretary of the student union and registrar and director of some institute are still subordinate to some men.  Well, why only Aligarh Muslim University? Isn't this the case with other Indian Universities?  There is no quota for them, as in politics, and patriarchy seems to be too strong.

One of the solutions can be a mandatory course on gender issues and equality for all students. As mindsets change, and students are educated, there should be no need for such a ban at all. Maulana Azad Library is richer than women's college library; in fact, it is one of the richest libraries of the world. Availability of a richer library should better prepare girls academically. An early interaction with male students should  not harm them morally or culturally either. We are in a a world where men and women need to learn to co-exist, and the sooner we learn, the better it is. Also, can an eastern society teach western education and not modify traditional culture? Is there something wrong with borrowing something good, if it is good?